Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste.
I'm Mickey J Sanders, millionaire, I own a mansion and a yacht.
And today, David Zjaba's (notice how cool I am that I can use his real name while hiding behind a nom de plume? That's a pen name for those of you who cannot afford to fly over to Paris on a whim to learn French like I can. Did I mention I'm a millionaire who owns a mansion and a yacht?) consecutive column streak comes to an end. For he is not writing this column, but Mickey J Sanders is.
It was quite simple to gain access to his account. At first, I was going to have Sarge hack into his account, but then I realized I am a millionaire (and that's just the money in my left pocket, leave alone the tremendous investments I have) and Webmaster Mike is a peasant. So I threw a few hundred dollars at him, and he gave me access to Zjabs' account while locking Zjabs out for a day. People are so simple to control when you're incredibly wealthy.
As the three of you foolish enough to read his garbage (and that's actually a compliment- garbage is often a filthy stinking pile of rot, which would be an improvement over his writing) know, he's been mocking my boycott. I don't actually know of this mocking of course as I'm busy buying America, but I did get an email regarding his columns from Hu Jintao. Apparently Hu was looking for a website to buy Zjabs which is a Chinese herbal remedy, and he stumbled across that garbage Zjabs calls a column. I apologized profusely to Hu and sent my man-servant over to soothe things over. Another international incident avoided thanks to Mickey J Sanders.
As I am magnanimous, I am declaring the boycott over. It was a resounding success. I contacted a few friends over at the Department of Justice and had them subpeona some records from his internet provider- during the time of the boycott his columns were not read by John McCain, Tim Tebow, Bruce Springsteen or Perez Hilton (all personal friends of mine I might add).
At first I was going to continue the boycott until such time as Zjabs issued an apology for having a sense of humor. But then I realized that I was wasting valuable resources on a gnat, and I was needed for more important things such as helping Mitt craft a plan for America for the next four years.
I hereby pronounce the boycott as over as Zjabs' consecutive column streak. For those of you who wish to read him, go ahead. In my opinion, he is an arrogant ass, not at all humble like me, Mickey J Sanders, millionaire who owns a mansion and a yacht.
-Mickey J Sanders (Millionaire and owner of a mansion and a yacht)
PS. Should any of you need another boycott started against his filth, contact me and I shall declare another boycott. For instance, if anyone ever had a fender-bender and Zjabs makes light of a car accident, I will declare a jihad. Should you have gotten bitten by a dog and Zjabs makes a joke about a dog biting a mailman, I shall declare jihad. Zjabs should know everyone in the world's history, even when they've kept it quiet, and not make light of anything that could remotely upset anyone. Otherwise...JIHAD!
PPS. Should any of you not know who I am, Mickey J Sanders, I am a died in the wool (one would think I could hire a proofreader) Conservative, that leans toward hardcore Individualism, and I'm not afraid to speak my mind. That being said, I want Zjabs squashed as he's too free-spirited and says mean things. I'm a maverick who wants Zjabs to hew to the official line.
© 2012 Zjabs - 2/6/12