Why Vice President Pence does not dine with women who aren't his wife...
Recently, it has come to our attention that Vice President Pence will not dine with a woman who is not his wife...unless Mrs. Pence is present.
In other words, it's not a wife thing...it's a mommy thing.
After all, this guy isn't fifteen. I think he's pushing sixty....and he can't control himself?
Obviously, for any woman who is hoping to further her career in government, on the Republican side, tossing down some fries with the boss ain't gonna happen. It's all men, all the time, all white men, all straight men (well, they are deep Christians, maybe straight doesn't always apply).
But there is a story here! And it has been leaked to me! That's right! Leaked!
And we hate leaks and demand investigation! unless they happened to Obama...in which case, we stay silent!
I have obtained the transcript from the last time Mr. Pence dined with a woman alone, during which the Veep pounded a couple of Singapore Slings.....
Pence...with phony ‘concerned eyebrows' he always uses..
'Uh, Judy, do you have those Wing Nut Christian documents that we shall use to justify destroying every woman's health issue?'
'Yes, Mr. Vice President'
'And Judy, you should have that spot looked at by a non planned parenthood doctor.'
'And what spot is that, sir?'
'The one on your upper left thigh by your panty line'
Judy adjusts her skirt...'Sir, I think your comment is a bit inappropriate...'
'Oh, and Judy, the air conditioner setting is causing your nip..'
'MR. VICE PRESIDENT!!!!'
Judy picks up the pink phone..next to the red phone...and calls out to secret service.
'Yes, Agent Watkins, please bring Mrs. Pence to the dining room ASAP...tell her to bring her Bible.'
As they await, the Vice President kneels by the statue of Clarence Thomas, asking for the Lord's forgiveness.
The door swings open, and Mrs. Pence, having been whisked straight from the hair parlor, heads straight toward her straying mate, Bible in hand.
With gooey eyebrow, the chastened Vice President pleads with his wife to forgive him ONE MORE TIME.
The Mrs. stands over her straying mate, and flips the Bible open to Ephysias 16:11, or something sort of like that.
'Thous shalt NOT stare at the thigh of a woman who is not your wife while pounding Singapore Slings!'
'Oh yes, darlin'...oh yes....forgive me'
'And thou shalt also not eyeball any area north of the belly button...so nothing north...nothing south...so sayeth the Bible....and the belly button if off limits, too.'
In his best Swaggart, the Vice President releases rivers of tears, for the billionth time.
'It was the alcohol, Betty Sue...it was those darn Singapore Slings!'
Mrs. Pence removes a yardstick from her bag, and instructs her wayward husband to pull down his pants.
It is at this point, my friends, that I, the recipient of this leak, end our story.
The final part of the leaked report indicates that the White House has put in for a budget appropriation for women's body armor...
no reason that women should be allowed to walk around showin' that stuff.
© 2017 amnesiac...Hudson Valley's finest - 4/18/17
Vice President Pence at work