COULD NOT TRACK AN ELEPHANT THROUGH THREE FEET OF WET SNOW

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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

To begin: A list of definitions of idiots:

A couple of bananas short of a split.
A couple of bugs short of Windows '95.
A couple of chips short of an apple ][
A few bricks short of a Lego set.
A few candles short of a birthday cake.
A few cans short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few megabytes short of a harddrive.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few shillings short of a quid.
A few tiles missing from the space shuttle.
A flower short of the arrangement.
All foam, no beer.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Bats in the belfry.
Benji, here's a quarter, call someone who can hear you.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Bright as a two-watt bulb.
Chimney's clogged.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't track an elephant in ten feet of snow.
Dense as a bowling ball and half as sharp.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Don't know dung from wild honey.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Dumber than a sack of mice.
Dumber than a sack of wet oatmeal.
Dumber than a three bean salad.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Engines running but no one's at the controls.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Got nothing under his hat but hair.
Has a head full of intelligence, because none of it has ever come out.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Has the makings of a pet rock.
He ain't got sense enough to spit downwind.
He ain't worth spit.
He ain't worth the powder to blow to hell.
He couldn't find his ass if both hands were tied behind his back.
He engages his mouth before his brain is in gear.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He is as nutty as a nine bob note.
He is useful as a concrete parachute.
He makes about as much sense as portholes in a submarine.
He makes as much sense as a revolving door on a hen-house/out-house.
He plays Russian Roulette with a staple gun.
He thinks 'The Catcher in the Rye' is a book about a baseball player stoned on whiskey.
He thinks the Trinity is Larry, Curly and Moe.
He'd walk into a river so's he could drink standing' up.
He's a couple dollars short of a Two Dollar Bill.
He's a couple quarts short of a gallon.
He's a few biscuits short of a meal.
He's a few donuts short of a baker's dozen.
He's a few shrimp shy of a boatload.
He's a few watts short of a bulb.
He's a few years short of a century.
He's a walking advertisement for birth control.
He's about as pointless as a rubber tack.
He's about as sharp as an eraser.
He's about as useful as tits on a boar hog.
He's crazier than a soup sandwich.
He's dumber than a door nail.
He's nutty as a fruitcake.
He's two quarts shy of a pint.
He's wearing an empty hat.
He is a few bindles/joints short of a kilo.
He isn't the fastest hamster on the wheel.
His sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
His brain capacity wouldn't make a drinking' cup for a humming' bird.
His brain don't fire on all four cylinders.
His bucket doesn't make it to the top of the well.
His driveway doesn't quite reach the street.
His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
His head is so hollow he has to talk with his hands to keep away from the echo.
His lawn-mower doesn't quite cut the grass.
His motor's running, but the clutch is disengaged. (or 'his transmission's slipping!')
His shift key doesn't work.
His stairs don't go all the way to the attic.
His thinker is plum puny.
How many angels can dance on his head?
If you spoke your mind you'd be speechless.
If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
If he were any dumber he would be on life support.
If he were any dumber, we'd have to water him.
If his brains were gasoline, he couldn't power a gnat halfway around the inside of a Cherrio.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
IQ same as his collar size.
It takes him an hour and a half to watch '60 minutes'.
It takes him an hour to cook minute rice.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Monkeys at the zoo throw him peanuts.
No grain in the silo.
Not all of his planes are on deck.
Not getting power off the main grid.
Not hauling a full load.
Not playing with a full deck.
Not present when they were handing out brains.
Not the brightest light on the tree.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
On the job application where it asks 'sex' he put 'Twice a week'.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fry short of a happy meal.
One gill short of a pint
One Rice Crispey short of a picnic.
One taco short of a full combo plate .
Only nine pence in the shilling.
Poster Boy for Planned Parenthood.

Proof that evolution can go in reverse. Ready to go to WARP but nobody's on the bridge. Receiver is off the hook. Recovering from a cerebral bypass operation. Several nuts short of a full pouch. He got into an elevator and thought it was a mobile home. He thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court. He thought Hamburger helper came with a person. He wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus because he was allergic to dogs. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. So dumb he couldn't teach a hen to cluck. So dumb, he couldn't pass a blood test. Some people are a few cards short of full deck, he's missing several suits. Somebody blew out his pilot light. Surfing in Nebraska. The cheese slid off his cracker. The closest he'll get to a brainstorm is a light drizzle. The gate is open but the beast is asleep. The lights are on but nobody's home. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead. There is a page or two missing from his book. There is more intelligent life in a box of dirt. They had to burn down the school to get him out of third grade. Thick as pigs**t and about half as interesting. Thick as two short planks. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Two bits and a nibble short of a byte. Two brain cells short of a pair. Two bricks shy of a load. Two drumsticks short of a picnic. Two pickles short of a quart. Two sandwiches short of a picnic. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. When the judge said, 'Order in the court,' he said, 'I'll have five chicken wings and some fried rice.' When they handed out brains, he thought they said trains, and missed his. When they were giving out chins, he thought they said 'gin' and he ordered a double. When they were handing out brains, he was off getting a second helping of mouth. Would someone please reach over & turn his 'brightness knob' up? He thinks a hot meal is stolen food. He thinks Beirut was a famous home run hitter. He thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

***** IDIOT AT LARGE I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ***** IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. ***** IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce'. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. ***** IDIOT SIGHTING#1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.' IDIOT SIGHTING#2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?' IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing', our manager spoke up and said, 'This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side,
I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'
'I know,' answered the young man.
I already got that side.
*****
...and here are some more (allegedly)
Recently, when I went to a burger joint I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Nuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six Nuggets.
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A couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'Dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'Divider' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me 'Do you know how much this is?' I said 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.....
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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'.
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed!

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© 2015 3D Divine Deadbeat Dad---Alleged - 2/2/15


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