Submitted by Viki Lishe - Braniff International Flight Attendant.
On looking back, I can't help but think how absolutely BORING it would have been if everything had always gone by 'the manual'. ************************************************************************
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working
ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.' Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
(busy) Moncton Center: 'Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau' BAW169: 'I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?' CZQM: 'Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango' BAW169: 'Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?' CZQM: 'It's called Chibougamau' BAW169: 'Would you say again, please?' CZQM: 'Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!' BAW169: 'Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?' CZQM: 'It's Eskimo for f--- off!'
ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?' CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter) ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?' CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter)
ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?'
CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.'
(check the callsign of the answering aircraft)
CZQM: 'Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12'
ARN871: 'Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later.'
CZQM: 'Maybe sooner than you think.'
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: 'Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12...'
CZQM: 'See what I mean?'
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150
circling overhead, identify yourself.'
NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.'
FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.'
NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, clihmb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...'
Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.' NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.'
Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!'
NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!'
Tower: 'Have you got enough fuel or not?'
Tower: 'Yes what??'
Pilot: 'Yes, SIR!'
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:
'GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back.'
GAF 269: 'Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil.'
Cont: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.
You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final;
reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt.
We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Cont: (a few moments later):
'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Cont: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, the helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed):
'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Cont: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
Control: 'You're unreadable, say again.'
Motor-glider: 'I've turned off the engine, is that better?'
Control: (looong pause)
ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
Controller: 'AF123, say call sign of your wingman.'
Pilot: 'Uh... approach, we're a single ship.'
Controller: 'oooohhh! You have traffic!'
Controller: 'Speedbird 12, are you on a heading?'
Pilot: 'We are always on a heading.'
Korean Air 1234 : 'Prease say lunway and blake situation'.
Auckland Tower : 'Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness as brakes not required'.
Korean Air 1234 : 'Ehhh... Say again...'.
Auckland Tower : 'Previously landed aircraft says did not need use brakes, ten to fifteen millimeter deep water on runway'.
Korean Air 1234 : 'Ah ! Thank you !'.
O'Hare Approach: 'USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 knots.'
USA212: 'Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?'
O'Hare Approach: 'All the way to the gate if you can.'
USA212: 'Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.'.
ATC: 'Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.'
Pan AM 1: 'Could you give that to me in inches?'
ATC: 'Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019.'
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: ' Roger, contact Houston Space Center'
727 pilot: 'Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?'
Controller: 'Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.'
Beech Baron: 'Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.'.
ATC: 'Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.'.
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.'
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.'
Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ...'
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: 'Cessna XXX cleared for take-of f.'
Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'
Instructor: 'What do you think you should do?'
Student: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.'
Instructor: 'That's a good idea.'
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: 'Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.'
Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?'
Instructor: 'What do you think you should do?'
Student: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.'
Instructor: 'That's a good idea.'
Student: 'Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.'.
Tower: 'Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.'.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: 'Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN.
Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.'
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?'
National 63: 'Roger , Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers.'
Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303's with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.'
Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.' Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.'
Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.'
Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.'
Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.'
Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.'
ATC: 'N123YZ, say altitude.'
ATC: 'N123YZ, say airspeed.'
ATC: 'N123YZ, say cancel IFR.'
N123YZ (Pause) 'Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated.'
Tower: 'Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement' Pilot: 'How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?'
Tower: 'At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket'.
Pilot with Southern drawl: 'London Approach, American 123 with y'all at seven thousand, with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.'.
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
Pilot: 'Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton.'
Ground: 'Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.'
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?'
Controller: 'AAL235 contact tower on 117.30'
Pilot: 'Roger, tower on 123.50'
Controller: 'Air Force 53, it appears your engine has...
oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected.'
Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.'
Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible.'
Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.'
Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.'
Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.'
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? '
Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.'
Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.'
London Controller: 'CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR.'
Pilot: 'Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR.'
Controller: 'Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR.'
Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!'
Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach)
Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'
Pilot Trainee: 'Roger'
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?'
Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.'
Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!'
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative ve.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
Submitted by Cameron Smith - USAirways Operations/Ramp Agent in MSP.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
While taxiing the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming:
'USAir 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!'
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, USAir 2771?'
'Yes ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USAir 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
'Wasn't I married to you once?'
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide pacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, 'Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?'
Without missing a beat the controller replied, 'Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth.'
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Josè Tower: 'American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.'
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: 'Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.'
Three-two Charlie: 'We've got him. We'll follow him.'
KC Approach: 'Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?'
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause):
'Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle.'
Unknown aircraft: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Air Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?'
Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.'
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign 'Speedbird 206':
Speedbird 206: 'Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.'
Ground: 'Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.'
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop.'
O'Hare Approach Control: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound.'
United 239: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight.'
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
Submitted by a USAirways B-737-300 First Officer
Subject: Cobra Crash While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place... Tower: 'Sir, do you need any assistance?!' Cobra: 'I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet.'
Submitted by a Piedmont B-727 Captain.
I was at cruise up in the Northeast when I heard this exchange on the radio. This was a while ago when most airliners were using VOR navigation.
Washington Center said: “Airline 256 turn right 10º and intercept the airway.”
The stiff reply – “We’re on the airway Center.”
About 15 seconds goes by before the response.
Washington Center said: “Airline 256 turn right 20º to intercept the centerline of J225 flight plan route.
The rather nasty reply: “Center, we have the VORs tuned, we have the HSIs adjusted to the proper course and the CDIs are centered. We’re on your stupid airway.”
There was dead silence on the frequency.
Finally Center responds: “Airline 256 – Let me put this to you in a way that you might finally understand.
Up in the Northeast, things are kind of crowded. You have 4 NM of protected airspace on either side of the center line of your airway. You blew through that about 15 minutes ago. If you will look out to your 11:00 position, you might see a 727 about 20 miles away and headed right for you with about 1000 knots of closure rate.
Now unless you want to make the front page tomorrow or at the very least have a certified letter from the FAA waiting for you when you go home, I would suggest that you make an immediate 40º right turn to intercept the airway.”
The reply: “We’re in the turn Center.”
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
'I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. 'I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed.'
'90 knots,' Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. '120 knots,' Center answered.
We obviously weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, '525 knots on the ground, Dusty.' Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. 'Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?'
There was a longer than normal pause -- 'Aspen, I show 1,742 knots.'
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
___ In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked,
'How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?'
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded,
'We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it.'
He was cleared.
___ The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a 38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, 'Do you know what I use this for? 'The navigator replied timidly, 'No, what's it for?' The pilot responded, 'I use this on navigators who get me lost!' The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, 'What's that for?' 'To be honest sir,' the navigator replied, 'I'll know we're lost before you will.' ___ More tower chatter: Tower: 'Airline 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!' Airline 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!' ___ One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: 'I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
___ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.' ___ Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, 'What was the problem?'
'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,' explained the flight attendant,
'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'
___ 'Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.'
'But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?' ___ There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running 'a bit peaked.'
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
'Ah,' the pilot remarked, 'the dreaded seven-engine approach.'
Copied from the Navy GCA/ATC Association NewsGroup
© 2014 3D Divine Deadbeat Dad---Alleged - 11/1/14