Care Package

See what I'm doing here. I'm trying to 'care' and every word and every letter in every word is evidence of that effort. I'm on so many prescriptions now that I can barely keep track of how much I'm taking and when or even if I am taking them.

Fatigue and exhaustion are predictable after effects of the condition and the cure but lethargy has me surprised. Although I haven't slept a complete night without continual interruption in at least a month, I can't use that as an explanation for lethargy. Lethargy is a whole diffferent thing. If I'm just fatigued or exhausted, I can justify the doldrums. I want to do the things I always want to do but I'm just too tired to do them.

With lethargy, I'm simply not interested in all that I enjoy and believe me that's a lot more concerning than just napping and I do care about that.

Here's one example.

I enjoy smoking cheap cigars. My brand of choice is Black and Mild Jazz wood tip which i can pick up for 89 cents a piece. I don't smoke them every day but when I want one, I just go get one. I get the urge to get off my ass, get in the car, drive to the convenience store, have a little chit chat with whomever is working the counter, buy a couple of scratch off loterry tickets, light up my Jazz and walk around the store scratching and puffing.

I noticed a couple of days ago that I hadn't had a Jazz in a few days. I stopped at the convenience store yesterday not because I was going out of my way but rather because I was coming home from radiation blast nineteen, I drive right by the place.

Isn't that convenient.

I went in bought the cigar and started going for the scratch off when I stopped in my tracks. A little voice said 'you never win on these scratch offs so don't bother buying one'.

A slightly louder voice in my head said 'thas right'.

I took my cigar outside and lit it up. I took two or three drags and heard a voice saying 'ya know this is stupid'. I threw the cigar away simply because I wasn't interested in it.

I tried the same experiment today. This time I took ONE drag of the Jazz and threw it away. Didn't even bother to buy a scratch off.

I'm not trying to quit smoking as a matter of fact, I'm trying TO smoke but once I do, it just seems stupid and pointless.

I come home and don't even argue with my wife.

I descend down the stairs to the mancave/pit that I have constructed and try to take a nap between runs to the john to steal a mirror. I start to read the latest issue of Sports Illustrated in order to fall asleep and then I realize I'm not interested in the magazine nor any of the articles in the magazine.

I'm disinterested to the point that I can't even use the reading as a motivation to fall asleep.

Also I don't care about sleeping so big WOW.

I have no desire to grab my camera and snap some pictures. I've snapped pictures of every place and everybody around here a million times so I don't give a damn about doing it again.

The teevee is available but fer sure I'm not interested in THAT.

Perhaps if I go upstairs and try to write about something, I can combat this lethargy but there's nothing I give a dang about writing.

Then it dawns on me, perhaps I can get an angle on writing about caring about caring.

Obviously It's working because in fulll lethargy mode, this page would be blank and I wouldn't care that it was.

Lethargy is a topic worth describing and certainly an after effect of my cancer so it's part of the story and needs to be related.

I care about every word on this page.

I'm emerging from lethargy.

Creativity is the panacea.

I'm feeling so much better now that I'm gonna go downstairs and take a nap.

© 2017 Thornton Krell - 4/14/17


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