See what I'm doing here. I'm trying to 'care' and every word and every letter in every word is evidence of that effort. I'm on so many prescriptions now that I can barely keep track of how much I'm taking and when or even if I am taking them.
Fatigue and exhaustion are predictable after effects of the condition and the cure but lethargy has me surprised. Although I haven't slept a complete night without continual interruption in at least a month, I can't use that as an explanation for lethargy. Lethargy is a whole diffferent thing. If I'm just fatigued or exhausted, I can justify the doldrums. I want to do the things I always want to do but I'm just too tired to do them.
With lethargy, I'm simply not interested in all that I enjoy and believe me that's a lot more concerning than just napping and I do care about that.
Here's one example.
I enjoy smoking cheap cigars. My brand of choice is Black and Mild Jazz wood tip which i can pick up for 89 cents a piece. I don't smoke them every day but when I want one, I just go get one. I get the urge to get off my ass, get in the car, drive to the convenience store, have a little chit chat with whomever is working the counter, buy a couple of scratch off loterry tickets, light up my Jazz and walk around the store scratching and puffing.
I noticed a couple of days ago that I hadn't had a Jazz in a few days. I stopped at the convenience store yesterday not because I was going out of my way but rather because I was coming home from radiation blast nineteen, I drive right by the place.
Isn't that convenient.
I went in bought the cigar and started going for the scratch off when I stopped in my tracks. A little voice said 'you never win on these scratch offs so don't bother buying one'.
A slightly louder voice in my head said 'thas right'.
I took my cigar outside and lit it up. I took two or three drags and heard a voice saying 'ya know this is stupid'. I threw the cigar away simply because I wasn't interested in it.
I tried the same experiment today. This time I took ONE drag of the Jazz and threw it away. Didn't even bother to buy a scratch off.
I'm not trying to quit smoking as a matter of fact, I'm trying TO smoke but once I do, it just seems stupid and pointless.
I come home and don't even argue with my wife.
I descend down the stairs to the mancave/pit that I have constructed and try to take a nap between runs to the john to steal a mirror. I start to read the latest issue of Sports Illustrated in order to fall asleep and then I realize I'm not interested in the magazine nor any of the articles in the magazine.
I'm disinterested to the point that I can't even use the reading as a motivation to fall asleep.
Also I don't care about sleeping so big WOW.
I have no desire to grab my camera and snap some pictures. I've snapped pictures of every place and everybody around here a million times so I don't give a damn about doing it again.
The teevee is available but fer sure I'm not interested in THAT.
Perhaps if I go upstairs and try to write about something, I can combat this lethargy but there's nothing I give a dang about writing.
Then it dawns on me, perhaps I can get an angle on writing about caring about caring.
Obviously It's working because in fulll lethargy mode, this page would be blank and I wouldn't care that it was.
Lethargy is a topic worth describing and certainly an after effect of my cancer so it's part of the story and needs to be related.
I care about every word on this page.
I'm emerging from lethargy.
Creativity is the panacea.
I'm feeling so much better now that I'm gonna go downstairs and take a nap.
© 2017 Thornton Krell - 4/14/17