Yesterday I cried because it was the 7th anniversary of my husband’s death. I was alone when I cried which was a good thing because when I cry my face gets ugly. Family members called me and together we talked about what a great man he was. I had to go into the bathroom and get the box of tissues during these conversations.

He was my second husband. I had been married for 22 years to another man, whom I left without a backward glance when my kids were finally grown. It had been a lonely marriage, and I was done with it.

By the grace of God and my sister who worked with him, I met and married another man. He made me laugh. He filled my life. We had fun together. Loneliness was no part of this man and this marriage, he called me whenever we were parted, he was there for me and my kids, he was not critical, he just lived life to the fullest and as a result, so did I!

Today, though, my thoughts have gone a different way. I am thinking of another man, years ago when I was 18, who wanted to marry me. A good-looking guy with those brown eyes that writers like to call “limpid”, tall and built nice – but with one fatal flaw. He was a Christian and very into church and all that came with that. And I, at the time, having recently escaped from a too strict home and too much church and feeling rebellious, did not want that. I wanted to have fun, to finally see a movie, to go bowling, to go to a bar, to wear short skirts and learn to flirt, to maybe even have a beer! So I told him I was breaking up with him and he cried and I felt bad but I also felt I had to be me and I wasn’t a churchy person.

But today I am wondering what my life would have been like had I married him. Of course I am much older now and love going to church and don’t wear short skirts and have a different outlook on life than I did back when I was 18. But I do have to wonder if that was the man God had for me and I turned away from him and deliberately became a sinner - which I paid for many times over in my first marriage.

But then I wouldn’t have met my second husband and been so happy.

Life is SO confusing.

© 2014 Just Lynne - 3/11/14

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