Most times I am too busy to feel disconnected. I’m glad I moved into this community because there are lots of activities and I have met great people and have good friends that I really care about. Yesterday we had a picnic in our community center and people brought pictures of their dogs and we voted on them and my dog won a ribbon for first prize. I talked and laughed and enjoyed myself and felt lucky to be me. I have no trouble keeping a smile on my face during the day.
Why, then, are my nights so often filled with a strange anxiety? Last night I lay awake for hours, feeling somehow disconnected from the world. It was a strange and uncomfortable feeling. I just couldn’t get comfy or snuggle down and fold my pillow and drift off. My eyes were burning with exhaustion. I heard my little doggie get up and rearrange her blankets in her crate and lay back down with a contented sigh and I was jealous of her. I wished I knew what in the tarnation was the matter with me.
I thought about my children, who I love with my whole heart and mind and body. But they are grown and have their own busy lives as they should and as I want them to. Not that they ignore me, because I have had many sweet times with them. But I have also had some sad times, not because of them, but because I am no longer necessary to their lives and I know it. That’s the way it should be. I can accept that.
But it leaves me with nobody to hold on to. I have searched for a man to share life with, but I haven’t met anybody. Either they are still in love with their dead wife or they want to have phone sex. For all my coffee dates, I have never met anybody who is just a plain old man as I am a plain old woman, who just wants to have someone to laugh with and go shopping with and take a weekend trip with.
And, you see, that’s what I miss the most. I am not connected with anybody. I think maybe that’s why my nights are hard to get through, I am aware that there is nobody next to me or even in the next town or down the street or around the corner who thinks about me, or who I think about. Nobody needs me anymore.
Gosh, some things about getting older are hard to live with. Hooboy. But I guess that’s enough of my self-pity for today. I’m going to while away a couple of hours playing Double Down Casino on Facebook.
Speaking of casinos reminds me of all the weekends my husband and I spent in Canada or Niagara Falls or Farmington or Batavia just having fun sitting side by side at the slots – yikes, now I need to stop thinking of that! That was my old life and this is my new one so I won’t allow myself to think of the past….
Might have to ask the doctor for something to knock me out cold at night…..
© 2012 Just Lynne - 7/22/12