I joined an online group for support with an estranged daughter. I was amazed at how many people had this same problem. My daughter and I had come to the end of our ways, and I suffered. I fell into the pit of despair over it.
But I learned a lot from this group. I learned that my daughter is not me. She is a completely different person. Where I would yearn for her to come over and chat, she didn’t feel that need. Where I often remembered her as a sweet and adorable little girl who I had a wonderful relationship with, those memories didn’t stir her or make her want that kind of relationship back. Where I wanted to be able to drop in and visit her, she had a rule that I only come over at Thanksgiving. Where I yearned for all the times I missed out on with her children, she thought nothing of denying me access.
It’s been a difficult road, but somehow I feel better about it. More accepting. I know now that I cannot have expectations of her. She is content to go on her way, doing what she thinks is best without asking for any input from me, living a life apart from me. Even though I brought her into the world, she doesn’t see me as her mother. She wants to just be a friend.
So at least I have that. And the knowledge that I am far from being alone in this situation. So many Moms and Dads out there suffer from the bewilderment of knowing that one of their adult children doesn’t want or need them.
I don’t fall into the pit of despair anymore. I let her alone to be who she is.
© 2012 Just Lynne - 6/10/12
