Once again I find myself waiting in line, this time at Gander Mountain buying water shoes.  There are 3 lines and the line I am in is the slowest, by far.  How can it be that I am able to pick the slowest line with unerring accuracy? 

My discerning (not fussy) wife Pat and I get in the line that's moving.  The very next person at the cashier would like to pay in drachmas.  Ok, but we'll need to call headquarters to get the Dollar-Drachma conversion number.  Please Wait.

We change lines and the very next person at the cashier would like to pay with a check from Nigeria.  That's going to be a while.  Please Wait.  Change lines and the next person has a purse full of coupons from Dick's and could they please match the coupons and well, some of them are out of date and for a different model so we'll have to send someone back to the store and get the correct models that are on the coupon.  Please Wait.

Fortunately I'm married and have a loyal spouse who points out that the original line we were in is now moving like lightning.  Since this happens everywhere I go everytime I go out, it's seems normal to me. 

I've since discovered that this is an elaborate plan to destroy me.  Not that I'm paranoid.  I've connected the dots and I see what happens.  I get in line at a store.  The cashier notices me and takes out his or her little bottle of Stupid Pills and takes 4 of them and now, well, the cashier doesn't understand.  How do I handle coupons?  What's the price of this item?  The customer in line also has their own supply of Stupid Pills and gulps 5 down and Look Out.  Is this the cash only line?  I don't have any cash.  Or: Can you explain some things to me like: Why are the Nike shorts $4 more than the Adidas ones?  Oh, they're less?  can you send someone back to get the Nike one?  Oh, and I couldn't find any pink golf balls, can someone run back and get a sleeve of those?

To survive, I've found Giving Up to be the best weapon.  Just give up.  Once you've given up, then breaking even seems like a win and losing seems like a tie.  Should you ever get in a fast line, it's the World Series.  I guess, I don't really know.  So, My advice for living.: Connect the Dots, then Give Up.

And Enjoy the Summer!  

© 2011 Jamie - 7/11/11