Our youngest son, Joe just turned 21. The age at which now he can drink Legally. It's also a time when some parents write an advice column to their child, telling him or her all the important things in life.
It's usually some nonsense about finding yourself or your "journey ahead" and how you should stop and smell the roses. This would be better left to my lovely wife and her friends. They could give him all sorts of sugary slipshod female thinking. Lucky for Joe, my advice will be more concrete and therefore, useful.
So, where to begin.
Never start an email to a coworker or your boss with "You Lousy Ba$tard". Unless of course, your boss is a Lousy Ba$tard and you already have a job offer from another company. Then you write a professional letter of resignation, sprinkle in a few "you lousy ba$tard" 's and you're all set.
How about this: you can blame your wife, your mother or the government for just about anything.
Don't plan your life around going to a nude beach, like St Maartens. Real People are there, not models. Not playboy bunnies and football players. Maybe the grandmothers and aunts of bunnies and guys who drink beer and watch football. Not the same thing. You'll find yourself running to the clothed side. You will pull a hamstring running so fast. You'll have nightmares for a couple nights. In this nightmare, .... ahem. Well. Never mind.
Always tell the truth. To strangers and coworkers. Never to your family. For instance, this exchange:
"My sister is having a birthday party for her 5 year old. Do you want to go?".
"No, I'd rather eat worms".
Sure, you might rate eating worms WAAAAY above going to this bratty kid party but the truth is not going to help. You go, you drink a lot of beer and hope an asteroid hits the earth right on the house you're in. Quick, painless, all over quickly. Not the slow death you're experiencing now.
It's fun to give advice. It is said: Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.
Good Luck Joe!
© 2010 Jamie - 3/12/10