It's that time of year again. Mulching. Whose idea was it to mulch the yard?

When we lived in North Carolina, we had a large area to mulch. So in early spring, Pat and I went to Lowe's and got 20 bags of mulch for our front yard. Then we got 15 more, then 15 more. 50 bags of mulch and now, voila, we're about halfway done.

So we took a break because it's hotter than the fires in hell in springtime NC and we vowed to do the backyard later with another 40 or 50 bags.

The mulch we get is the black dye kind, that turns your hands and feet black. Then it washes off in the shower and stains the tile floor so you can get on your hands and knees and scrub the tile. Because mulching isn't enough fun all by itself.

As the sweat was pouring down our faces, we watched golfers go by and then we watched some other people on bicycles. Don't they have to mulch? I bet people were in bars drinking cold beer and laughing and flirting and having a ball. Guys were slapping girl's bottoms and the girls were laughing. We were bing productive, Ha!

Pat pointed out I'd be very happy with the way the yard looked after we were done. I was VERY happy when we were done. And we discussed why condos with no yard is starting to look good. Or patio homes. Patios don't get mulched, I'm pretty sure of that.

At Fellows Rd park, the Parks Dept replaced sand under a kiddie gym with ground up bits of old tires. Ugly? Yes. But it's soft and it maintains it's ugly color year after year. The sand kept it's color too and was soft on the legs but somehow ground up tires are better. Ground up old tires sounds like an idea I would have. Why not grind up old sneakers? Or grind up old rocks into very very small particles? Wait, that would be sand......Thought I had a good one there for a second.

I suggested to Lovely Pat we should use old ground up tires in our yard instead of mulch; she thought I was kidding.

Why isn't there perma-mulch? We put a man on the moon 50 years ago but mulch is still an annual ritual. In my lifetime, there will be 100 year mulch and the person who invents that will be rich.

I should quit my job and invent perma-mulch and become every man's hero and be rich. Maybe I should start practicing being rich. Just in case my idea hits. I'll start by telling waitresses 'Give my compliments to the chef' at the various pubs, diners and dives I eat at. Just in case. And I'll do that thing with wine. Swirl the cork, sniff the glass. Stuff like that.

If you have 'Rich Guy Habits' perhaps you could tell me one....

© 2009 Jamie - 4/15/13