A few weeks ago I ran into an old friend from high school. Sam and I were best buddies until we graduated, and then we never saw each other again. I told him that I was single, so he told me that his wife, Gina, runs a matchmaking service, and if I was interested in using the service, that I should give him my number and he’ll have her call me. So I gave him my phone number, and Gina called me on Friday. She introduced herself and said that since I was a friend of her husband’s, she would not charge me for her services. She said that Sam had shown her my pictures in his high school yearbook, and she said that I was “real cute.” Then she told me that if I was interested, she had a girl that she wanted to fix me up with right away. Well, I wasn’t quite ready to see someone that night, so I suggested a future Saturday.
I asked Gina what this girl looked like and she asked me if I liked girls with blond hair. I told her that hair color doesn’t matter to me, as long as she wasn’t one of those girls who dies her hair green or bright orange or something, or has black eyebrows when her hair is platinum blond. I again asked Gina what this girl looks like and she said that she would have the girl, Donna, give me a call so we can arrange to meet somewhere. I asked a third time what Donna looks like, and Gina said that she was very sweet, and then she hung up. I was skeptical.
About an hour after I spoke with Gina, Donna called me up. She was very nervous and her voice was trembling. I told her to take it easy and to take a deep breath and pretend that she has known me for a long time. She calmed down and we were able to talk sensibly for a little while. She asked me what I looked like and I told her: 6’2”, 220 lbs, muscular build, brown hair, brown eyes, etc. I asked her what she looked like and she told me that she was 5’6”, blond hair, blue eyes, and she said that she was taking an aerobics class to try and lose a few pounds. She sounded nice, and her voice was sweet, and I imagined her in snug leotard doing aerobics.
We arranged to meet at the food court at the local mall at 4:00 on a Saturday. I figured that the mall would be a decent place, so we could walk around and talk a little bit, check out some of the stores, and even catch a bite to eat if we wanted to. I told her that I would be wearing blue jeans, a blue jacket, and a Green Bay Packers cap. She told me that she would be wearing black pants, a pink top, and a black coat.
I arrived at the food court at about 3:55. I looked around to see if I was there before she was. I looked for a head of blond hair and a pink top. Suddenly, I saw two pretty blue eyes looking at me. I quickly turned away thinking that this was not the girl that my friend’s wife would fix me up with. I peaked over in her direction again, and she waved at me. Not seeing any other girls matching the description of blond hair and a pink top, I assumed that this was the girl. I walked toward her and asked, “Donna?” She nodded and motioned for me to sit down at the table. She was in the process of devouring an Arbie’s Roast Beef sandwich. By the looks of it, she took advantage of the “5 Roast Beef Sandwiches for $5.99” deal. I could tell by the 5 empty sandwich wrappers sitting on the table.
She had pretty blond hair, pretty blue eyes, and she was what I will politely call “top-heavy!”
“So. You’re Donna?” I asked again.
“Mmm hmm!” she managed to grunt as she was chewing the last bite of her last sandwich. Before she swallowed, she sucked down some orange soda from her extra large cup.
She swallowed one last time and said, “Hi, Biff. Nice to meet you!”
When she said this, I was sure she meant, “Nice to meat you,” as bits of roast beef flew from her mouth and landed on my chin and arm. I grabbed a napkin from the table and quickly wiped the bits off of me.
“Oops! Sorry!” she chuckled. She had a very pretty smile. “You want some French fries?” she asked, pulling a large container from her Arbie’s bag.
“No thanks,” I said. “So, how long have you known Gina?” I asked.
“About 4 months. She’s been trying to fix me up for awhile, but she hasn’t quite found someone who is my type,” she said. “What about you? How long have you known her?”
“I never met her,” I said. “She’s the wife of an old friend from high school, and he just showed her my photos in his yearbook.”
“Oh,” she said as she continued to wolf down French fries. I told her that she had some catsup on her chin, so she too a few fries and wiped her chin with them and proceeded to shove them into her mouth.
“So,” I said, “You wanna walk around or something?”
“Are you hungry?” she asked. “There’re all these places with lots of great food if you are.”
I looked around: Burger King, Taco Bell, Arbie’s, a cookie place, an ice cream place, a Chinese food place…
“I’m gonna get some dessert,” she said, scanning the ice cream store and the pastry shop. “You want something?”
“No thanks. I’m not hungry.”
I lied. I was starving.
She took a fiver out of her large purse and then she tried to push herself away from the table. She had a hard time of it, so I pushed my chair back a few feet and took the table with me.
“Thanks,” she said, as she struggled to get to her feet.
As she waddled away from me and headed toward the ice cream store, I saw that the cuffs of her sweatpants were filthy and were dragging on the floor. I knew that I must put an end to this meeting, and fast. I figured that I would just tell her that she just isn’t the person I had in mind, and that I prefer taller women.
When she returned to the table, I saw that she had the largest ice cream sundae that the store sells, covered with nuts, syrup, and lots of whipped cream. She set it down on the table, got a few more dollars out of her purse, and returned to the place to finish paying for it since it cost more than five dollars. I saw two spoons with the sundae, and I was hoping that she wasn’t going to ask me to share it with her, but then I was also hoping that she wasn’t going to eat the whole thing by herself either.
When she returned, she sat down in her chair, pulled the table back to her, and began eating her sundae.
“Mmm! This is so good!” she said, smacking her lips and dribbling chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup down her chin. I gave her a few moments to offer me some, but she never did, and I assumed that she was going to eat the whole thing.
“Listen, Donna,” I began, “When I met my friend Sam a few days ago, he told me that his wife, Gina, ran a matchmaking business, and so I gave him my phone number. She called me yesterday and she asked me what kind of girls I like and I told her that I like tall girls. Donna, you aren’t as tall as I like, and this just isn’t going to work. I…”
“F*** you!” she said.
“Shut up. You’re just like all the other guys!”
I tried to say something that would be comforting, staying away from the fact that she was eating a huge ice cream sundae by herself, but she didn’t let me.
“You’re no better than that last guy who took me to the movies, and bitched at me when I ordered the extra large bag of popcorn, and then, during the movie, said that he had to do to the bathroom, and he left and never came back and made me take a taxicab home!” she said.
Then she picked up her ice cream sundae. I thought that she was going to throw it at me, but instead, she took it back to the ice cream store and got a lid for it, and then she returned.
“No! Really!” I continued, “I like taller girls because I’m 6’2”. Honest!”
“Yeah, go on,” she said. “Shove it!”
She put her container full of ice cream into her purse and she shoved the table at me. I had to catch it so it didn’t tip over onto me. With that, she picked up her coat and her purse and she headed out the door.
After a minute or two, I followed her out of the mall to head home. Using my cell phone, I called my friend Sam and asked him what Gina was trying to do by setting me up with such a…a…hungry girl.
Before I got to my car, however, I heard a car speeding toward me. I looked up, and there was Donna, in her orange mustang, headed right for me! I stepped out of the way, and with my cell phone in my hand, I took a picture as she sped by.
Gina called me the next day and apologized. She said that Donna is a very sweet girl and she thought that perhaps that I was mature and open-minded enough to look past the fact that she was built like an elephant seal, and just accept her for the nice girl that she is. I explained to her that I asked her if she wanted to walk around the mall, but she was more interested in ice cream instead, and she ordered the largest sundae that I’d ever seen. Then I told her about her pant cuffs dragging on the ground.
Gina apologized again and said that she will try to fix me up with somebody better, perhaps as soon as this weekend. I told her that I told Donna that I like taller woman, but I really don’t mind how tall or short a woman is, as long as we hit it off.
I really hope that the next girl Gina fixes me up with doesn’t try to run me over like Donna did.
© 2007 Biff Remington - 1/2/12
Donna, as she tried to run me over!